Farmer Wants A Wife 2022: James Weir recaps episode 9

One of the city girls on Farmer Wants A Wife is so insulted by a decision handed down by a rural matriarch and patriarch that she fake-voms and runs into a dark cow paddock at midnight to sulk with the confused livestock.

It’s surprising the antics on this show haven’t delayed fresh produce deliveries to supermarkets. Any day now, Woolworths and Coles are going to release recall announcements for milk that’s been tainted because of a Farmer Wants A Wife challenge that went awry.

The local townsfolk in these country shires have had enough of the TV wannabes terrorising their way of life. We sympathise with them. An online petition should be activated to bully Channel 7 into donating some kind of park bench to the communities that suffered through the making of this show.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

This story begins and ends with a little lady who goes by the name Kiani. And we have Samantha Armytage to thank for bringing her into our lives.

Last week, Australia’s favourite new wingwoman Samantha decided to troll the competition by introducing a slew of new random contestants. Kiani was one of them – getting added to Farmer Ben’s harem – and she’s truly the standout.

“I keep hearing about this amazing connection that Leish and Ben have and… I don’t see it,” she snips to us about the woman who, until now, has been the frontrunner.

Kiani is jealous of Leish and Leish is jealous of Kiani. The tension adds to the already-high stakes nature of this show.

“So, there’s two with pink eye…” Kiani declares as they assess cattle, while giving Leish the stink eye.

Meanwhile, Farmer Benjamin (sidenote: it’s confusing having a Farmer Ben and Farmer Benjamin. Producers should’ve just changed one of their names to something like Farmer Derek) isn’t keen on the rando Sam Armytage gave him.

Her name’s Madeline – and Farmer Benjamin drags her out to the patio to dump her. What’s the catalyst for this dumping? We dunno. One minute they’re all sitting in the loungeroom – enjoying cups of tea while sitting on Benjamin’s kerbside collection couches – and the next, he’s cutting her loose.

Honestly, the thing that’s not being said here is that Madelina works in HR. Nothing’s more terrifying than dating someone who works in HR. They talk like they have the upper-hand in every situation – so you have to beat them at their own game and dismiss them before they dismiss you.

What’s happening over at Farmer Paige’s property? We couldn’t care less. We’re rooting for Paige so badly but the guys she has been paired with are just forgettable.

One of them takes her on a date where he sets up two pool lilos under a tree and they both whack on a Fructis Garnier face mask. It breaks our hearts when Paige confuses this with chivalrous romance.

“Since I’ve been into this (farming) industry, I have not looked into … self-care – I haven’t had someone offer that to me,” she gushes.

Jeez, Paigey. Just hop onto the Coles website and buy some Garnier face masks for $7. They’ll truck ‘em out to your farm in three-to-five business days. You don’t need a man, you just need a decent moisturiser.

Back at Farmer Ben’s joint, his parents have been brought in to assess the ladies. And it’s very similar to assessing cattle. We mainly just wanna make sure none of them have pink eye.

Talk turns to Leish’s shift work. She says she gets five days off every few weeks and two weekends off a month … or something. We still don’t know exactly what her job is but, from that schedule, it sounds like she either works at a Myer or the mines.

The other two girls vying for Ben’s heart are fed up with how charming Leish is in front of mum and dad.

“I don’t think he believes she’ll move (to the farm) and I don’t believe it either,” some chick called Maddison snips to us.

Then there’s our girl Kiani. She’s very smug while meeting the parents. At first, the patriarch and matriarch like her. But, when producers give them the responsibility of choosing which girl gets the final date with Ben, they choose Leish because she has more “life experience”… meaning, she’s old.

Kiani’s reaction shows she’s much younger.

“Ugh,” Kiana bends over and fake barfs in a piece-to-camera interview outside the kitchen.

“I’m just, like confused right now. It’s like… where do you even go from there?”

As the parents leave, Kiani continues her tantrum. She clutches her stomach and storms through the lounge room.

“I kinda don’t wanna stand here,” she rips open the sliding glass door and goes to sulk in a cow paddock until Ben comes to console her.

After all that fake-crying, there’s now someone else with pink eye.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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