‘My children tell lies all the time, what’s the best way to react or encourage them to tell the truth?’

It is also suggested in the research literature that the impulsivity that is associated with adolescence may also increase the likelihood of lies being told, as teenagers may not be thinking about the consequences of their actions and explanations. This is also put forward as an explanation why children with ADD/ADHD might also lie.

However, even before they reach adolescence, there are many other reasons why children lie. For example, if children feel under-the-microscope, they may lie to escape an “inquisition”, or to take the focus off themselves. For example, a child who is upset but doesn’t want to discuss it, may claim to be fine, to offset further questioning about the reasons for their upset. Indeed, children can find questioning quite difficult, because they understand that there is a social expectation that they will give an answer.

Consequently, if they don’t know the answer they may feel under pressure and feel they must say something to satisfy their parent. They may fudge with an “I don’t know” response or may give a response they know their parent will want to hear (even if it is a lie). They may also know the answer but recognise that it won’t be acceptable to a parent, and so again may lie. They may want to protect others and recognise that telling the truth may get themselves or others into trouble.

Children may also lie to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in front of others. Sometimes this is about trying to fit in, or appear more talented or impressive, sometimes it may be to avoid appearing innocent or naive.

Then there are the times that we may even have encouraged children to lie, the so-called white lie, which is an untruth used to try to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. In many ways this confounds the whole issue of lying, since knowing when and how to tell a white lie may even be considered a social skill. Children can use them with their parents too if they perceive that their parent may be upset or disappointed by the truth.

Researchers have also concluded what many of us would assume, that when children tell lies it creates poorer interpersonal relationships. In other words, when children lie, adults find it harder to trust them and can end up getting more cross with them.

Parents will often test how trustworthy a child is by asking them questions when the parent already knows the answer. This can be an adult attempt to trap them in a lie. If you have information about the misbehaviour or mistake, lay it out and ask for an explanation of how the mistake happened. Be authentically curious. This reduces the need for a child to lie, since the truth is already known. There is no added benefit to trying to catch a child in a lie. It is much more useful to be able to actively reflect and see if you and they can learn from the mistake through open, non-judgemental exploration.

If we want to encourage children to tell the truth, we can start the process by modelling that behaviour consistently ourselves. When they tell a lie, especially it if is a grandiose lie, designed to garner attention, we can generally ignore it or make a comment to them that this appears to be a tall tale and that it is better to tell the truth.

Similarly, in lots of other situations we may also want to either ignore the lie (if it is not significant or harmful) or simply correct them and encourage them to tell the truth. It can really help to think about the circumstances in which your child is lying, since we know there are many reasons why they lie.

In most situations, their lie is likely to be a rational response to the difficulty they face. While this doesn’t excuse the lie, it can often explain it such that we can be more tolerant and understanding, avoiding punishing them. If children expect that we will punish them, it often makes it harder for them to tell the truth. We want to make it easy for them to tell the truth, so focusing on the underlying issues, rather than any lies, can pay dividends.